Parenting in a Centered-Set Church Model

The reason that I hope to never write a book on parenting is that, frankly, I don't want to read books about parenting. I find the topic in and of itself to be nearly as exhausting as actually parenting. In particular, I become frustrated by the ways in which we've attempted to introduce a simpler, safer version of Christianity into our faith practices. In part, my frustration stems from being on the early end of the Millenial's generation where everything gets filtered through the my lens of pre-packaged marketing ploys that will say, show, and sound just the way that I 'want' them to so that, in the end, my coin abandons my pocket for their coffers.


Perhaps the other half of my frustration is that, at best, guides on parenting can only guide on parenting. That's not inherently a bad thing, of course. However any "bulls eyes"that may hit my life's reality come from a line of safe social predictions, developmental research into the habits and nature of growing children, and the random shot-in-the-dark that describes my actual fears, concerns, hopes, joys, and experience. I'd take a real community of real people over a book any day.

What Does it Mean to be Centered-Set?

However - disengaging from conversations about parenting all together doesn't seem any more appetizing to me. Our other extreme seems to throw the complexities and adventure of raising children to the wind making it just another mundane task in the course of life. I think that narrative is lame and that we can do better. So my hope is to raise some questions that can guide (because its difficult to do anything else in script) us as we wrestle where faith and family collide. I will write several posts with a few thoughts on Centered-Set parenting and how it may be simultaneously the most frightening endeavor on which we will embark as well as the most rewarding. Adventure without peril isn't all that adventurous. So quick recap:

To borrow language & images from our church website - 

Bounded-Set Approach

Many churches could be described as “bounded sets.” Belonging to the church community is defined by where one is in relation to a clear boundary. Typically the boundary is composed of highly defined beliefs and behaviors. Those who adopt the beliefs and behaviors are considered “inside” and those who do not are considered “outside.”

Centered-Set Approach

In the centered set approach, participation in the church community is defined differently. In our church the center is understood to be Jesus. Those who are “in” are not defined in relation to a boundary, but by facing and moving toward the center.  In a centered set approach, a person might be quite a distance from the center, but so long as they are facing the center and moving toward it, they belong. By the same token, a person might be close to the center, but if they are not facing the center and moving toward it, they don’t belong. In both graphics, those who belong to the group are represented by white dots; those who do not belong are represented by blue dots.

The reason why having the conversation in context of Centered-Set (CS) and Bounded-Set (BS) is that I suspect most parenting ideals are grounded in a BS model. Also in a Bounded-Set Model. (See what I did there?) As you likely picked up on surrounding the language of our model descriptions, the big picture ultimately focus on Kingdom inclusion. Those of us who have been following Jesus for some time know are well aware of how the Kingdom is both astonishingly beautiful and difficult to experience. We can appreciate the tensions that exists in both the CS and BS models and my experience has told me that while most people who attend my local church will say that CS is more difficult, it is also more worthwhile. Until we talk about kids…

Centered-Set's Challenge in Youth Ministry

"I really appreciate the values and the challenge of a centered-set church model.  I just don't think it will be good for my kids."

I've heard this a few times lately. And by a 'few' I mean a lot!  More often than not, the concerns are rooted not in diversity but in morality. It's more often than not framed like this:"I'm afraid that my child will believe _____ and will ______." Now there are many possible ways to fill in the blanks - some more reasonable than others:

• they're invincible, take unnecessary risks
• they're always right; put down others
• they can fly; jump from high places 

This list can go on, and on, and on, and on... The tensions with CS seem to be a little more specific. Particularly I seem to hear:

• sex before marriage is good; have sex
• God is not defined clear enough; reject the Church
• behavior diversity is good; bow to peer pressures to drink, smoke weed, etc...

Parental red flags are raised when we believe that our children's morality may be compromised and that's not a bad thing. In fact, I'm more concerned about parents who lack concern for their child(ren)!  However we need to examine these concerns in light of the Cross to figure out how we move forward.  As it stands, CS is either unstable ground for our kids and the center, Jesus, is not sufficient or we need better tools to help us understand not only how to parent in such a context but also how to partner with the Church to do so. I believe it can be done. I even think that it can be done well. But it will take no shortage of faith on our part. More thoughts to come...